Saturday, 7 February 2015

Heartache

It's been a tough month for me. I've started therapy for mostly anxiety and insecurty issues and it's not going as well as I would have liked it to go. I'm making baby steps forward, but it's hard to talk about emotional things and things you keep hidden in the depths of your thoughts. I've had to face a lot of things that I succesfully suppressed for many years and it's not done wonders for my stability and mood in general.
I've been very frustrated and had a super short fuse for the past weeks and it has cost me dearly. After a huge argument with one of my closest friends we are no longer on speaking terms and I don't know if we will get through this at all. It makes it even harder because I still see him online almost every day (we are in the same WoW guild) and we raid together. Not talking to someone who has been your best friend for the past 3-3.5 years is probably one of the hardest things I have had to deal with so far. I want to tell that person many things and share many things and I can't, because we aren't speaking. And I can tell you, it's very hurtful.

I've fled into games even more. Even though I managed to get some volunteer jobs going I notice I spend more and more time doing silly things in World of Warcraft of Final Fantasy where I should be working on my master's thesis or looking for a paid job. I just can't. Right now the games are the only reason I get out of bed in the first place. I have completely lost interest in anything else and have had days where I would just lie in bed all day and stare at the ceiling or sleep.
It by all means hasn't been a pleasant time for me and I'm struggling. I am retreating into my own little world and am pushing away my friends. Honestly I don't really want to hear how they are doing in their jobs and with their SO's. It only reminds me of how miserable I am myself.

I've been thinking about what I want to do with this blog for a while. If I wanted to use it as outlet for my personal stuff or use it as gaming blog solely. As you can see from my post so far I've chosen to do the first. I need some sort of medium to express myself and maybe the relative anonimity of the internet is a good way to do so.
I live with people who don't understand how crippling it can be to be mentally unwell. I haven't received an official diagnosis, and being a psychologist myself I know I don't have it "bad" enough to get one, but I still feel horrible. Insecurity is eating away at me. I have days that I want to break all my mirrors because I can't look at myself. I have days where I starve myself because I want to lose weight so I just don't eat. I'm grumpy and emotional and scared. It sucks.
It affects me in more ways than I thought I would ever be affected. I used to have a lot of hobbies besides gaming. I used to dance, draw, read and do embroidery. I've stopped doing most of that. I can only read for very short periods of time before I lose focus. There's a lovely embroidery packet staring at me... And it's just lying there, not getting used at all.

Taking care of myself is something that is slipping away aswell. Now that I have cut my hair relatively short I don't even brush it anymore, even though I should. I've stopped using make-up going out, something I normally always do because I have a very red skintone in winter due to dryness and sensitivity. Now I just don't care anymore. I look in the mirror and see raw, red skin and shrug. I feel like no one would find me attractive me anyway, so why would I bother to look decent? I am not eating healthy or working out as regularly as I should. The only days I can haul my ass to the gym are Thursdays and Sundays and even that seems to be too much for me, I've been skipping days left and right.

I'm working on all of this but it's hard. It's not going fast enough and I get frustrated. It doesn't help that I lost one of my best buddy's either. I hope things will start looking up soon because honestly... I'm going slightly mad.


3 comments:

  1. You have taken one of the most important steps, that is to go seek help. It might seem that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but in the end it will all be worth it, it just takes a lot of time :(.

    Learning how to deal with anxiety and depression is a long and hard road, but you will get through it, just keep on hanging in there.

    So you don't bother with makeup and your hair etc, that's okay, You don't need to be at your best all the time. You can take time off from "life" a bit. You need time to heal, and sometimes that means a bit of alone time as well. Just try your best to be open and honest about it. Even though you might think others wont find you attractive, that's just in your head, that is how you view yourself, and judge yourself, not everyone else. You can't possibly know what they think hun. Only thing I can say, that I have learned is, if I look at myself negatively, I will in end up giving a negative vibe out to those around me, and they will start looking at me in a negative way, if you get what I am trying to say. If you meet a person who is a positive and goes around smiling, you will like that person and think that might be a good person, because he/she portrays it. And that goes both ways.

    I'm not saying you should go around acting like a positive person, I am just saying that, how your attitude is, will reflect how people see you.
    I have pushed away so many people because I think negative things about my self. But when I look back, I can see people have really tried and reach out and wanted to be my friend, but I pushed them away in a way I never realized.

    I've had anxiety and depression for as long as I remember, and not done anything about it until recently. And the first thing that really helped me, was to just say to the people around me that "Hey, I don't fancy going out, or doing this or that now, I want to stay at home, or can't you come to my place instead" And they either accepted it, or they are not there anymore. Those who accepted it, are the people who really care, the others, well, they didn't really care from the start so.. no loss there.

    And I am only talking from personal experience, none of this might apply to you, I am just sharing with you :)

    I don't know what you can do with your friend, maybe he needs some time. Maybe he needs to know a bit more about your struggles. Maybe he will start talking in a week, or maybe he is waiting for you to say something. Try to be honest and apologize if that is what is needed. I don't know what happened between you, but I am sure, if he really is your friend, that you two will patch things up :)

    Best of luck with your treatment. You will get better, hang in there. You have a friend here, if you ever need one. Just give me a poke and I will listen!

    Sometimes it's okay to hide for a while (in games for example), just remember not to stay in hiding forever.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the support <3 it's appreciated.

      I'm usually a very private person and try to mask how I feel with a smile, but I think it's time to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I have been way worse than I am now, things are looking a bit brighter already, it's just a struggle.

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  2. BIG HUUUUUUUUUGSSSS

    The only thing I can say is to still try and do the things you love, the hobbies that interest you. It is a hard thing to push to do at times but usually something that's good for the mood.

    annnd.. here's another hug.

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